I should be working on one of the papers I have to do within the next 3 weeks…or updating a survey or grading, you know, something productive. But the idea of starting something and having to finish it makes me want to cry. Literally, I want to cry right now over the fact that I have to use my brain and commit to something. So far the one concrete thing I have learned from Grad school is that I am not as smart I always thought. When I try to understand things and do decent work, it always seems to backfire on me. At this point I am just trying to keep my head above water and turn things in that are acceptable, yet I still get disappointed when I don’t get an A on them. If I was ever a professor, I would make all assignments multiple choice on scantron so I never had to actually do work to grade. This is probably a telling sign that I shouldn’t be a professor. Also the fact that I am not intelligent enough on any topic to teach people about it is a good indicator.
So here I sit, avoiding things I am going to have to do anyway, not because I am too lazy to write it, although that is the excuse I would use if you asked me, but because I don’t feel like I am smart enough to turn out anything worth reading.
I used to be super spontaneous but now I am so nailed down by work and school and Tim commitments. I have essentially disappeared, which I am okay with most of the time because my brain is already exhausted that it can’t easily handle social responsibilities as well. Also, I constantly expect a lot out of people and rarely do they meet those expectations. I feel like I get more invested in people than they do in me and eventually it just makes me sad. Sometimes you want someone to go beyond words (even though if you know me, you know how fond I am of words) and just be super stoked to be in your company. Perhaps that is why most of the people I am close with live far away from me. They don’t have to deal with me often enough.
I don’t know where this blog was going or where I wanted it to go, so let’s just talk about my favorite songs right now:
Girls Girls Boys – Panic! (You can judge me, I probably don’t like you enough to care anyway)
Do I Wanna Know – Arctic Monkeys (Where was I on them for the last 5 years. I skipped all the albums after the first one…)
Monster – Imagine Dragons
It’s About Time – Young the Giant (Who I get to see next month and I am super pumped!)
Is it Sassy time yet? I can’t wait to relive that weekend.
I never procrastinated until grad school and this is a dumb time to start. I know I will get everything done, I just keep putting it off because of the aforementioned reasons. All I want to do is plug in to a music source, snuggle Tim, and stay in bed forever. And pizza. I want to do anything that has to do with pizza.
When it boils down to it, I don’t feel like I am attached to anything here. I have no roots. I am a wanderer who can’t afford to wander, both time and money wise. I feel like the words on the tip of your tongue that you have to say but you’re scared to because you know the outcome will hurt.
I never know what I need or what I want. Sometimes I think it is to unplug completely, but then I feel like everyone else. Like the world wins. Sometimes I think it is overwhelming support from people, but a. this never really happens b. I wouldn’t believe them anyway. Sometimes I think it is never getting out of bed, but then where am I going to get pizza? If there is one thing I am sure of, it is that I need and want pizza.
For now I will just take solace in the fact that I am absolutely certain about two things: 1. Pizza 2. It is hard to stay AS sad when you’re always greeted by a stinky beagle with a big smile.
I am slightly less certain about the fact that people will tell me they know how I feel, but no one can ever know how anyone else feels. Jenna who gets depressed at 26 is EXTREMELY more put together than Jenna who got depressed at 16, but some days I still live in that hole. I know that no one can really understand and I am pretty sure that no one REALLY cares, so I just keep it to myself.
I am semi-certain that when you cry in public in a place that rains all the time, it blends in and no one can tell.
I am uncertain of where my life will go (something I will never be certain of, I am sure), if I will finish grad school, when I will actually start this 30 page paper (or the 12-15 page one), and when I will be coherent enough to put together a stream of thoughts that make sense.
As I told a drunk Archana 5 minutes ago, I am just a girl who, on this day, is sad and lost.
Who knows what I will be tomorrow.
One can only hope it involves pizza.
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